An LOK Christmas
by Jazzmaster
Summary: What if Christmas was celebrated in Nosgoth? Would Moebius be allowed round to Kain's for Christmas dinner? What present would Raziel give to Vorador? Features pretty much every LOK character. Chapter 5 now up and the fic is COMPLETE!
1. Two Days 'Til Christmas

An LOK Christmas  
  
Snow is falling, bells are ringing, reindeer are breeding, and for once, Nosgoth is peaceful. Well, apart from all the places which weren't peaceful. One of these places was Kain's home. Since it was Christmas, his sons, who were usually kept well away from him in some forest or castle or anywhere far away, had come round and were staying with him. Two days 'til Christmas. Kain didn't think he was going to make it.  
  
Zephon: Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone dubah dubah doo...  
  
Dumah: Yes?  
  
Zephon: I said Dubah, not Dumah, Dumah.  
  
Kain: Shut up, all of you! Where's Raziel? He should be here by now.  
  
Rahab: You tossed him into that big pit, remember? He hates you.  
  
Turel: But we ALL hate him!  
  
Kain: What was that you just said Turel? You don't want to make me angry. I trust you all remember what happened the last time you made me angry?  
  
Melchiah (snickering): Yes, you went for the soul reaver, but you forgot that you broke it in that fight with Raziel and didn't have it anymore, so you pulled out an umbrella that you mistook for the reaver, and in your surprise you accidentally opened it and it hit you in the eye and you starting staggering about the room and swearing then you slipped on the floor and then...  
  
During this monologue Raziel wanders into the room.  
  
Raziel: Sorry I'm late everyo...  
  
Kain: Well Melchiah, this time I DO have the soul reaver!  
  
Kain grabs Raziel by the legs and begins hitting him off of Melchiah's head.  
  
Dumah: KAIN! He's gonna live forever! He's gonna rule all the world! KAIN! He's gonna make it to the pillars, he's gonna learn how to rule! Forever! Forever! Forever! Forever! Forever! Forever! KAIN! He's gonna live forever! He's neva going to die! KAIN! He's gonna make it to Coorhagen, Raz will learn how to fly!  
  
Kain throws Raziel to the other side of the room, where he crashes into Turel.  
  
Kain: No he bloody well won't, and what have I told you about spontaneously bursting into song? Next time you do, I'll spontaneously burst you into flames.  
  
Dumah: Sorry dad.  
  
Zephon: Hey, look outside! Snow! I'm gonna go out and play! Who's coming with me?  
  
Zephon runs outside excitedly, but no-one else follows him. They look outside the window and sigh. They see Zephon run onto the snow, yell out loud and jump ten feet into the air with his feet on fire. He lands on his ass and again jumps into the air with his ass now on fire. This continues with various body parts for some time.  
  
Dumah: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!  
  
Kain: What did I just tell y- oh wait, you're right.  
  
Zephon finally makes it back inside and everyone hears a sizzling noise coming from him.  
  
Zephon: What are you all looking at? I just decided to come back in. It was no fun out there. Nothing interesting or painful happened at all and one things for sure, I remembered that snow is harmful to vampires.  
  
Dumah: Anywho, it's Christmas eve tomorrow! Exciting isn't it folks?  
  
Rahab: Tell us again why it is we celebrate a religious holiday that isn't even of a religion recognised in Nosgoth?  
  
Turel: Ooo, ooo, we haven't opened our advent calendars today!  
  
Turel runs over to where the calendars are pinned to the wall.  
  
Turel: It's my Buffy the Vampire Slayer calendar! Oh, what's going to be behind the door today?  
  
Melchiah: I bet it's a train! A train!  
  
Raziel: No way, it's a donkey! A donkey!  
  
Zephon: It'll be a Christmas tree! A Christmas tree!  
  
Kain: No, no, no, you're all totally wrong, it's a Santa hat for sure!  
  
Turel opens it and it's a Christmas tree.  
  
Kain: Yes, I was right! It's a Santa hat.  
  
Zephon: What the hell are you talking about? It's a Christmas tree, so I'M right.  
  
Kain: I am never wrong! You will listen to what your father tells you, you little shit!  
  
Zephon: Have you ever seen Santa wearing a fucking Christmas tree on his head!?  
  
Kain: No, but since that's a SANTA HAT I don't know why you're asking.  
  
As the argument continues, Rahab talks to Raziel on the other side of the room.  
  
Rahab: Oh, how rude of me, let me take your scarf Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Er, no that's okay...  
  
Rahab pulls Raziel's scarf off and gasps as he sees what Raziel looks like without it.  
  
Rahab: Or how about you just keep it on, yes, keep it on, it is Christmas and we don't want you getting cold now, do we? Ha ha ha.  
  
Raziel: Tell me the truth Rahab. Am I hideous?  
  
Rahab: Em em, I think I'll just go and see how the turkey's doing.  
  
Raziel: But we're not cooking it until tomorrow.  
  
Rahab: I thought it looked a little under-done.  
  
Raziel: So, how do I look?  
  
Rahab: Eh, you know, not too bad...  
  
Raziel: Do you think Ariel will go out with me? I bought some flowers for her. I was planning on giving them to her when she comes round on Christmas day. Do you think she'd go out with me?  
  
Rahab: I think I'll just go check the sprouts... you know how Kain loves his sprouts. Come to think of it, Kain looks a bit like a Brussel sprout.  
  
Rahab quickly runs into the kitchen. There is a knock on the door. Raziel goes and answers it.  
  
Vorador: Hello Raziel, mind if I come in?  
  
Raziel lets him in and he goes through to the sitting room where everyone except Rahab is.  
  
Vorador: Hello everyone.  
  
Kain: Oh great, it's Vorador. Who the hell invited him? Was it you Raziel? You know how much I hate Vorador!  
  
Vorador looks hurt.  
  
Vorador: But, I always thought you liked me and hated Janos?  
  
Kain: I DO hate Janos, that stuck-up bastard...  
  
Janos flies through the window.  
  
Janos: Hi everybody!  
  
Melchiah: Hi doctor Nick!  
  
Kain: Oh super, the gangs all here. Who opened that window? Honestly, I don't know why I go through with this every year.  
  
Janos: Christmas is a time when you should have loved ones around you Kain.  
  
Kain: So then why am I stuck with you lot? And did you just suggest that you loved me?  
  
Moebius' head appears at the window. Well, all of him does, he's not a scary floating head, but the vampires can only see his head and nothing else.  
  
Moebius: Ah, so many questions, old Moebius has the answers, if you'll let him in.  
  
Kain: GO AWAY! Janos and Vorador are one thing, but I absolutely draw the line at you.  
  
A tear forms in Moebius' eye and he turns away and sits down next to the window. He curls up into a ball and shivers every now and then. Why must he be alone every Christmas? The Elder God held a party every year, but he said that Moebius didn't make the cut. He'd show them. He'd have his own party, and none of them would make 'the cut'.  
  
Raziel (shouting into the kitchen):Rahab, Kain wants you to come through here!  
  
Rahab walks out of the kitchen, muttering to himself.  
  
Rahab: What does old Sprout-head want now?  
  
Kain: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?  
  
Rahab: Er, nothing. I was talking to...  
  
He looks around the room desperately.  
  
Rahab: Vorador.  
  
Vorador: WHAT!?  
  
Rahab: Er, I mean...  
  
Vorador transforms into a wolf, leaps at Rahab and begins tearing into him.  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Moebius had tracked down the circle members. He saw Bane and waved to him.  
  
Moebius: Bane!  
  
Bane keeps on walking.  
  
Moebius: Bane!  
  
Bane still keeps on walking.  
  
Moebius: BANE!  
  
Still walking.  
  
Moebius: B-A-N-E!!!!!  
  
Moebius runs after him now, and gets in front of him. He bends over and begins puffing and panting. Bane just sees Moebius bending down with his ass pointing towards him.  
  
Bane: What the hell do you think you're doing?  
  
Moebius turns round and stands upright, clearing his throat awkwardly.  
  
Moebius: Hello Bane, I was just wondering if you'd like to come to my time- chamber for Christmas, it's going to be great. Only the coolest people in Nosgoth will be there.  
  
Bane: Do I know you?  
  
Moebius: It's me, Moebius!  
  
Bane: Oh, right. Sorry, I already have plans for Christmas.  
  
Bane walks on and Moebius follows him. They enter a building and Moebius sees all the other members of the circle.  
  
Moebius: What's going on here?  
  
Azmuth: Oh, why did you bring HIM here Bane?  
  
Bane: This isn't my fault! He just followed me here!  
  
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town" starts playing and Moebius notices the circle members all have drinks in there hands or are dancing.  
  
Moebius: What is this?  
  
Azimuth: It's a Christmas party for all the members of the circle.  
  
Malek walks to the middle of the dance-floor and starts break-dancing.  
  
Moebius: W-Why wasn't I informed? I AM a member of the circle, you know?  
  
Bane: We, uh, forgot to invite you.  
  
Moebius: Well, can I join you?  
  
Everyone except Moebius: NO!  
  
Moebius: B-b-but... oh well, at least Kain wasn't invited either.  
  
Azimuth: Actually, we did invite him, but he said he couldn't make it.  
  
Moebius' bottom lip starts to shake and he turns and runs out of the building.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
A/N: The author would like to apologize for excessive use of exclamation marks during this chapter. That said, the next chapter will be up very soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. The Bells Are Ringing Out

Night fell, and the vampires were sitting in a circle, having just finished snacking on some poor carol singers. There was an awkward silence and everyone glanced around the room uncomfortably.  
  
Vorador (after a long silence): Nice Christmas tree.  
  
Zephon (muttering): Hmph, actually that's a Santa hat isn't it Kain?  
  
Dumah (whispering): Let it go already.  
  
Kain: So Janos, who do you think is the most attractive out of all the vampires?  
  
Everyone stares at Kain.  
  
Kain: Just curious, is all. It'll help pass some time, won't it? Janos, just list the vampires from most attractive to most hideous. Come on, be comfortable in your sexuality. I'm not asking if you fancy them.. Just list them. No-ones going to judge you.  
  
Janos: Well... okay then. I'd put myself first.  
  
Kain: You can't put yourself first.  
  
Janos: Well, okay, Vorador then.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Janos: Then me...  
  
Kain: You can't put yourself second.  
  
Janos: Fine, I'll put Umah second. Then me...  
  
Kain: Look, you can't list yourself, okay? So who's third?  
  
Janos: I guess I'd have to place Rahab third.  
  
Kain: Rahab? You can't be serious!?  
  
Janos: Then Dumah, then Turel...  
  
Kain: Ah ha ha ha. Now I know I might not have made this point perfectly clear, but you WERE allowed to include ME in this list.  
  
Janos: I know. What number am I at now? Well, next is Zephon...  
  
Kain: Oh, shut up Janos, nobody cares about your stupid list. Imagine listing the most attractive vampires, you really are an idiot.  
  
Janos: But you asked me to do it.  
  
Vorador: Ha, I'm number one! I'm the sexiest vampire of them all!  
  
Kain: Oh piss off Vorador, you're only number one in the eyes of Janos and quite frankly that counts for nothing. What does he know?  
  
Zephon (muttering): He knows that Christmas trees aren't hats.  
  
Dumah (whispering): I said let it go.  
  
Raziel: Ah, that's a good Christmas song isn't it? Let it go, let it go, let it go!  
  
Turel: What the hell is Raziel singing?  
  
Dumah: Er, I think he means "let it snow".  
  
Kain: That list was BS and you know it Janos. You wouldn't know an attractive vampire if one was sitting on your lap.  
  
Vorador: I have a question.  
  
Kain: I mean, what must the humans say? "Oh no, here comes a vampire", "Oh no, wait, it's only Janos. Nothing to worry about - he's blind!"  
  
Vorador: Where are we all going to sleep tonight?  
  
Kain: Women throw themselves at my feet!  
  
Melchiah: Well, it is the most attractive part of you.  
  
Kain: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?  
  
Vorador: WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!  
  
Rahab: I also have a question: when did we start actually sleeping at night?  
  
Kain: Well, about the same time a bunch of unwanted vampires arrived and I decided to use any excuse to get away from them for awhile.  
  
Melchiah: Look, the snow's not so bad now. We should be able to go out hunting. That'll make the night more fun.  
  
Raziel: Well, some of us can go out whether there's snow or not.  
  
Melchiah: No-one is impressed. Shut your mouth.  
  
Raziel: That could be a problem.  
  
Kain: I can't take any more of this! I'm going out, the rest of you can do what you please, just don't follow me!  
  
Kain gets up and storms out.  
  
Dumah: Don't mind him. He's always grumpy this time of year. I know, we can all have a sing-along while he's out...  
  
Everyone except Dumah gets up and leaves the house.  
  
Dumah: You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Meridian...  
  
Sebastian (while ringing a bell): The bells are ringing out, for Christmas day!  
  
Marcus (with his ears covered): Will... ouch... you... arrgh... please.... eek... stop...urrgh... doing... ack... that...  
  
Sebastian (still ringing the bell): Doing what?  
  
Marcus: Ringing... that... blasted... bell...  
  
Sebastian (STILL ringing the bell): I can't hear you - I'm ringing this bell.  
  
Faustus: STOP RINGING THE BELL!  
  
Sebastian: Why?  
  
Faustus: You KNOW the effect it has on poor Marcus.  
  
Sebastian: Oh, that's right. He got trapped inside a giant bell as a child, didn't he? And he never overcame the trauma.  
  
Marcus: Please don't remind me of it.  
  
Faustus: Aaaanyway, where's Magnus? Is he coming this year?  
  
Sebastian: No, he's going to Kain's again. You know how close he and Kain are.  
  
Faustus: Oh yes, "I'm Kain's champion," he says. Champion my ass! I'm Faustus, the greatest vampire ever! I'm the greatest champion there could ever be!  
  
Sebastian: What are you talking about? Everyone knows I'm much greater!  
  
Marcus: No, I am Marcus and I am the greatest!  
  
Sebastian: You were beaten by a bloody bell!  
  
Suddenly, Moebius sticks his head through the vampires' window.  
  
Moebius: Hey fellas, can I join you?  
  
All the vampires: NO!  
  
Sebastian gets up and slams the window shut, leaving Moebius standing outside alone. He puts his head up to the window, sees the vampires laughing at him, and slowly turns away.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kain, in his mist form, slowly made his way down the alley. The girl was alone and it was just too easy. Fun too though. To Kain's surprise though, the girl turned round.  
  
Hayley: Joooooohn, where are you?  
  
Kain suddenly changed back to his regular form, holding his ears.  
  
Kain: Did you have to shout so damn loud, woman?  
  
Hayley: Oh, I'm sorry Mr Vampire. I'm just looking for my boyfriend, John.  
  
Kain: Fascinating.  
  
Kain held his arm up and prepared to strike the girl down.  
  
Hayley: Well, he's not really my boyfriend anymore. We split up, see? But I still love him, and he says he loves me, and I want us to get back together, because he's my soul mate, and he's really really sweet...  
  
Kain still has his arm raised.  
  
Kain: Yes, yes, that's great...  
  
Hayley: He says he wants to be a Sarafan one day, and hunt down vampires like you. He says he'll be one of the best Sarafan ever. Right now he's just a shoe-shine boy though, but I love him for his ambitions...  
  
Kain: Please stop talking...  
  
Hayley: And he's soo gorgeous! He's about 6 feet tall, brown hair, cute little nose that sticks up just a little bit...  
  
Kain: Ah yes, saw him, killed him, drained him, merry Christmas!  
  
Kain kills the girl and feasts on her.  
  
  
  
  
  
The rest of the vampires were walking down one of the main streets. It was almost deserted, and a gang of vampires had a way of keeping it like that.  
  
Turel: ...and that's how I single-handedly saved Kain's empire from destruction for the seventeenth time, thus cementing my position as Kain's number two vampire. And don't ever forget it! You're all below me, you know!  
  
Rahab turned to look at Zephon and Melchiah.  
  
Rahab: You two are below me!  
  
Zephon turns to look at Melchiah.  
  
Zephon: Well... I'm above you, at least.  
  
Melchiah turns to look at no-one and lowers his head.  
  
Zephon: I sense danger nearby!  
  
Vorador, Janos and Raziel, who are some distance behind, now catch up to the others.  
  
Vorador: Where? I'm more than ready for a fight.  
  
Zephon: Across the other side of the road! Two humans are crossing the road without looking where they are going! I, Zephon, road-crossing expert, will save them before they get hit by a cart!  
  
The humans are half way across the road when Zephon scurries over to them.  
  
Zephon: What you are doing is dangerous. You must go back to the other side immediately and this time look both ways before crossing over.  
  
Zephon turns around and goes back to the other vampires, who watch as, on their way back over, the humans get killed by a cart that comes speeding down that part of the road.  
  
Zephon: It's always best to be safe!  
  
Vorador: Blood!  
  
Vorador runs across the road towards the run-over humans. Zephon runs after him.  
  
Zephon: Running across the road like that is UNSAFE!!!  
  
Zephon sees an old lady trying to cross the street.  
  
Zephon: I, Zephon, road-crossing expert, must assist this old lady! Vorador can wait, this is an emergency.  
  
As Vorador drank, Zephon ran over to the old lady and escorted her across the road.  
  
Zephon: There, you're safe now!  
  
He ran back over to Vorador.  
  
Zephon: No eating in the street! UNSAFE!!!  
  
The vampires killed the old lady Zephon had brought over and she was messily devoured. Once consumed, Kain appeared.  
  
Kain: C'mon, it's almost midnight. It'll soon be Christmas eve. Let us head back.  
  
  
  
  
  
At the Circle's Christmas party...  
  
Mortanius: You don't think it was a bit mean, not letting Moebius stay? I mean, I know he's an utter git and all, but it IS Christmas. Do you think we should invite him round on Christmas day?  
  
Everyone in the room except Mortanius: NO!!!  
  
Mortanius: I agree. 


	3. I'm Sure I've Forgotten Something

It was Christmas Eve now. The vampires were scattered all over the house, largely trying to avoid one another. Kain was in his room, alone, when suddenly Rahab burst in.  
  
Rahab: Terrible news Dad - Christmas has been cancelled!  
  
Kain: Yes!  
  
Kain runs down the stairs with his arms in the air. Everyone but Janos and Vorador are in the main room.  
  
Kain: Well, Christmas is cancelled, too bad, bye bye everyone, safe trip home, don't let me keep you.  
  
Rahab walks in and starts laughing.  
  
Rahab: Only joking! Ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
Kain turns around to face Rahab with a scowl on his face.  
  
Kain: Come over here, Rahab. I'd like a word.  
  
Rahab walks over.  
  
Rahab: Yes?  
  
Kain punches Rahab in the face.  
  
Rahab: Owww!  
  
Kain walks over to a chair and sits down.  
  
Kain: I'm not sure I can take much more of this.  
  
Dumah: Maybe we should do something to cheer dad up.  
  
Turel: I'm second in command! Just leave it up to me to cheer him up. I know: Kain, try to guess what's in my calendar today.  
  
Kain: Piss off Turel.  
  
Rahab: Dad?  
  
Kain: What is it Dumah?  
  
Rahab: Who's our mother? I've always wanted to know.  
  
Kain: Piss off Rahab.  
  
Raziel: We-  
  
Kain: Piss off Raziel.  
  
There is a knock on the door.  
  
Kain: Oh great, now who? No doubt it's The Elder God, having just rode in on his sleigh, ready to wish me a merry Christmas.  
  
Kain goes and opens the door. It's his champion, Magnus.  
  
Kain: Magnus!  
  
Magnus: Master!  
  
The two hug each other and Kain happily brings Magnus into the house. He stands grinning at the other vampires and he has one hand on Magnus' shoulder.  
  
Rahab (whispering): He never hugs us like that.  
  
Melchiah (whispering): And he never looks happy to see us.  
  
Kain takes Magnus and sits him down next to him.  
  
Melchiah: Looks like there's some competition for your position as number two vampire, eh Turel?  
  
Turel: Nonsense. I'm irreplaceable. Have I told you about the time I defeated the Sarafan Lord while blindfolded?  
  
Zephon, Rahab, Dumah and Melchiah: YES!!!  
  
Turel: The time I stood alone against the armies of the Nemesis and won?  
  
Zephon, Rahab, Dumah and Melchiah: YES!!!  
  
Kain: Ha ha ha ha ha! That's so funny Magnus! You're much funnier than that lot.  
  
Turel looks nervous.  
  
Turel: Ahem.  
  
Kain: They're all total disappointments Magnus.  
  
Turel: AHEM!!!  
  
Kain: What do you want?  
  
Turel: Em, just thought we could talk, you know, about stuff.  
  
Kain: Well, you could tell me what you've got me for Christmas. Where are all my presents anyway? I didn't see them on you when you arrived. And where have you hidden them?  
  
Kain's sons begin looking at each other nervously.  
  
Zephon: Er...  
  
Turel: Um...  
  
Rahab: Gosh, I'm hungry. I think I'll go out and feed.  
  
Turel: Yes. I will also go out. For feeding purposes.  
  
Zephon: I think, um, I'll join you both.  
  
Melchiah: Yes, we'll make it a joint feeding.  
  
Kain: I will come also.  
  
Turel: Oh, no, no, that's okay... you'd better stay here in case of... um  
  
Melchiah: In case Mobius shows up again! We don't want him breaking in. You know what Janos and Vorador are like, they wouldn't even notice. And you can't leave Magnus to look after the place on his own.  
  
Turel, Melchiah, Zephon and Rahab all leave quickly before Kain can object. Raziel stands still for a moment, before he suddenly realises something too, and runs out after them.  
  
  
  
  
  
In The Lands of the Nemesis...  
  
Nemesis: Stars! Stars!  
  
Demon: Are you feeling alright, William?  
  
Nemesis: I feel fine you petty demon. Now go and stand at the front door.  
  
William hands the Demon a shovel.  
  
Nemesis: Hit anyone who comes in over the head with this shovel. All the guests are here and I don't want anyone coming in who is uninvited.  
  
The Demon walks over to the door and stands ready to strike. As Ariel walks in, he brings the shovel down but of course it passes right through her.  
  
Nemesis: Damn! What the hell do you want, Ariel?  
  
Ariel: I came to wish you a merry Christmas.  
  
Nemesis: Well, that's very nice. Now don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.  
  
Ariel: That's not going to be difficult.  
  
Ariel leaves to make the journey to Kain's. A few minutes later, the sound of a shovel breaking over someone's head is heard, and William smiles at the prone body of Moebius.  
  
  
  
  
  
Rahab: Oh no, how could we forget to buy Kain a present?  
  
Dumah: We're in BIG trouble! It's Christmas eve - all the shops will be closed!  
  
Turel: Ha ha ha ha. Maybe this is a problem to all of you, but you forget - I am Turel, the number two vampire in Nosgoth! There's no problem that I cannot overcome.  
  
Raziel comes running over to them.  
  
Raziel: Guys, I know you wanted to go feeding just now, but you're not going to believe this - I forgot to get Kain a present!  
  
Melchiah: Join the club Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Can this club provide me with a present for Kain?  
  
Melchiah: I MEAN none of us have got him anything.  
  
Turel: Well, we'll just get him one big present from all of us.  
  
Zephon: Guys, I've found it! The perfect present for Dad! He's going to love this.  
  
Zephon runs over with the present in his hands.  
  
Melchiah: It's a stick.  
  
Zephon: Yes!  
  
Turel: Erm... let's keep that on the 'reserve' list, eh?  
  
Zephon: Why? This is a GREAT present.  
  
  
  
  
  
Moebius was thrown out into the snow. After awhile he regained consciousness and looked around in a daze. Suddenly he was hit in the back of the head with a snowball. The time-streamer turned around and looked at the children who were laughing at him.  
  
Moebius: Look here you little shits, you don't know who you're dealing with here!  
  
The children laugh at him and throw loads of snowballs at him.  
  
Moebius: I'll get you all for this!  
  
One child runs over and kicks Moebius in the knee and Moebius begins hopping about and yelling in pain. He slips on some ice and lands on his back as the children begin laughing again.  
  
Moebius: Children, help, I'm in a lot of pain and I can't move. Stop laughing! I'm seriously hurt here!  
  
Children: HA HA HA HA!  
  
A giant pile of snow falls from the rooftops and lands on Moebius, burying him completely. The children laugh and then run away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Magnus: Right hand green.  
  
Kain: But that's impossible!  
  
Vorador: Rules are rules Kain.  
  
Kain tries desperately to move his right hand across the mat but fails and he, Magnus, Vorador and Janos all fall to the ground.  
  
Janos: Would you please all get off of me? I'm in quite a lot of pain here.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kain's sons continued their search, and eventually came across a stall that was being run by a small bald man who was wearing a crown.  
  
King Ottmar: Welcome, welcome all to King Ottmar's fantastic stall! Gifts fit for a king and all at low, low prices! Special Christmas Eve discount.  
  
Turel: Ottmar? What are you doing here? Aren't you a king? Why are you running a stall?  
  
King Ottmar: Times are hard, what with that asshole Kain ruling the world and all.  
  
Turel: He is an asshole, isn't he?  
  
King Ottmar: And his pathetic sons, Raziel, Zephon, Rahab and Dumah!  
  
Turel: They are pathetic aren't they?  
  
Melchiah: Grrr...  
  
King Ottmar: But the worst of all is Turel, the big fat donkey-lover.  
  
Turel: He is a big fat do- HEY!!!  
  
Melchiah: Ha!  
  
King Ottmar: So now I'm only King of this stall.  
  
Turel is trying to tear Ottmar's head off but Melchiah is preventing him from doing so.  
  
King Ottmar: So how can I assist you gentleman?  
  
Raziel: We seek a gift for our father.  
  
King Ottmar: Every father loves receiving this gift.  
  
King Ottmar holds it out for all the vampires to see.  
  
Dumah: It's a stick.  
  
Zephon: We'll take it!  
  
Turel (having calmed down): No we won't. What else have you got?  
  
King Ottmar: I have this. It's very rare in Nosgoth. It's called a 'tie'.  
  
The vampires took a moment to try to imagine Kain's reaction at receiving such a present.  
  
Kain: Oh my, how did you know that this is what I've always wanted? Promotions for all, I love you sons!  
  
They all hug and Kain is so happy he begins to cry. Magnus is thrown out for not buying a present as good as theirs.  
  
Back to reality...  
  
Turel: We'll take it!  
  
To be continued... 


	4. The Quiz

It was the night before Christmas. And all hell was breaking loose. It had started about ten minutes ago, when Janos had suggested a quiz to pass the evening.  
  
Ten minutes ago...  
  
The vampires were gathered around a table.  
  
Kain: Okay, since I'm so smart I would get every question right, I shall be the quizmaster. It's every man for himself, and I will supply the questions myself. Any questions?  
  
Raziel: I thought you were supplying the questions yourself?  
  
Kain: I can see you're not going to do well, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: That rhymes.  
  
Dumah: So you can recite poetry but I can't sing?  
  
Kain: AHEM! If everyone would please be quiet I will begin. I will give you an easy one to start us off. Who is the ruler of Nosgoth?  
  
Turel: Oh, I know this one... let me think...  
  
Rahab: Em... who was it again? It's on the tip of my tongue...  
  
Kain: It really is not difficult. It is not a trick question.  
  
Raziel: I think this quiz is a little unfair. I mean, I was trapped down a well for all those years.  
  
Turel: Um... do you remember HOW you got stuck down that well?  
  
Raziel: Well, all I remember was that it was Kain's idea.  
  
Turel: Yes, but before anyone could throw you in, you slipped. Isn't that right everyone? He wasn't tossed in at all. He fell. YOU ALL SAW IT I WAS NO-WHERE NEAR HIM!!! It was an accident. Yes, it was nothing to do with me at all.  
  
Kain: Will someone please answer my question before I lose my temper?  
  
Vorador: Can you give us a clue?  
  
Kain: Well, he's standing in this room right now.  
  
Everyone begins looking around the room.  
  
Kain: Oh come on! Where's Magnus? I'm sure he knows the answer.  
  
Janos: He's busy preparing some food and things for tomorrow.  
  
Vorador: Another clue?  
  
Kain: He's a vampire, he's standing here talking right now and he's very very handsome.  
  
Rahab: Lord Turkey!  
  
Kain: It's ME you simpletons! ME!  
  
Vorador: Meyusimpletons? I've never heard of him.  
  
Present time...  
  
Kain: I, KAIN, am the ruler of Nosgoth!  
  
Vorador: Ikainamtherulerofnosgoth? Kain, are you just making these answers up? If you don't know who the ruler is, you shouldn't have asked the question.  
  
Kain screams.  
  
Kain: I hate you all.  
  
Janos: Perhaps we should have someone else as quizmaster.  
  
Turel: ME! ME! I'm the number two quizmaster in all of Nosgoth. Okay, what's brown and sticky?  
  
Zephon: A stick!  
  
Turel: Well done, that's one point to Zephon.  
  
Kain: Wait a minute, I wasn't ready. And that isn't a proper question, so it doesn't count.  
  
Turel: Okay, I'll ask another then. What is my pet hamsters name?  
  
Rahab: Dave!  
  
Turel: Correct, that's one point to you Rahab.  
  
Kain: NO NO NO! General knowledge questions only.  
  
Turel: Hmm... who is the balance guardian?  
  
Kain: Shit, I know this...  
  
Vorador: It's Kain!  
  
Turel: That is the correct answer.  
  
Raziel: Bank!  
  
Turel: Shut up Raziel.  
  
Kain: No wait, that doesn't count because... Turel and Vorador are working together and cheating! Turel KNEW Vorador would know the answer to that.  
  
Vorador: But YOU should have known the answer even more than me.  
  
Kain: Piss off Vorador you little cheat, this quiz is over due to your conspiring ways. I am the winner.  
  
Vorador: How the hell do you work that one out?  
  
Kain stands up ready for a fight.  
  
Kain: That's it, you're going DOWN!  
  
Kain leaps on Vorador and starts punching his head, but Vorador rolls over and begins punching Kain.  
  
Janos: My friends, violence is wrong!  
  
Melchiah: No, wrong is wrong. Violence is violence.  
  
Janos: Thanks for clearing that up.  
  
Kain and Vorador are upright now, trying to blast each other into oblivion. After a while, Janos finally manages to break them up.  
  
Kain: I'm going to get you after school. Your master won't be around to save you then.  
  
Vorador: I'll get my un-dead creatures onto you.  
  
Kain: Bring them! I'll kill them all you coward!  
  
Janos: Enough of this petty bickering, both of you. Now say sorry and hug each other.  
  
Kain: I won't apologize to the likes of him.  
  
Vorador: I'm not apologizing to that bastard.  
  
Janos: Fine, be that way. Maybe we should all go to bed.  
  
Rahab: But we don't sleep at night!  
  
Zephon: But if we don't sleep tonight, then Santa won't leave any presents for us!  
  
Kain: Bed it is then.  
  
The vampires all go to their rooms. Sadly there isn't enough room for everyone, and Kain's sons are all forced to share one bed.  
  
Melchiah: If anyone ever mentions this to anyone, I will kill them.  
  
Kain sleeps alone. He falls asleep quickly, but is soon woken by a strange presence in the room.  
  
Ariel: I am the ghost of Christmas past.  
  
Kain: No you're not, you're Ariel. What the hell are you doing here, you're not due until tomorrow?  
  
Ariel: I've come to show you the error of your ways Kain.  
  
Kain: Piss off, I'm trying to sleep.  
  
Ariel: Come with me while I show you your past.  
  
Kain: You don't need to show me it because I lived it. Well, in a way I didn't, but you know what I mean.  
  
Ariel: Well, to cut a long story short, you're really mean and you should be nicer.  
  
Kain: Piss off.  
  
Ariel: Goodnight Kain. 


	5. Hooray for it is Christmas Day

A/N: Here we are, the final chapter of the story. This fic was a lot of fun to write, so thanks a lot to everyone who read and reviewed it.  
  
At long last it was Christmas day, and the vampires arose early. Kain's sons were all excited, but Kain himself was less so.  
  
Raziel: Happy valentines day everybody!  
  
Zephon: It's Christmas day Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Whoops, I just got a bit confused. You see, I had this dream about me and Ariel last night...  
  
Kain: Shut up Raziel. It's present opening time! Since I'm the most important, I will open mine first. Okay, this one's from Vorador.. oh it's a bottle of blood. What a surprise. It's only what he's given me every year for the past few centuries. Okay, next is from Janos. I don't have much hope for this one either... yes, it's a bottle of blood as well.  
  
Janos and Vorador stand at one side looking rather embarrassed.  
  
Kain: Next is Magnus' present... a bottle of blood! Thank you ever so much Magnus, this is the best present anyone could have gotten me!  
  
Zephon: Hee hee wait 'til he sees ours. He'll be proven so wrong.  
  
Magnus: I live to serve you Kain.  
  
Turel: Yes, well, you don't really 'live' do you Magnus? Honestly, I thought you'd at least be able to grasp hold of such a small concept.  
  
Melchiah: I've never heard it called that before.  
  
Kain: Okay, finally my present from my sons... what the hell is this?  
  
Kain holds up his tie for everyone to see.  
  
Turel: It's a tie! We knew you'd like it.  
  
Kain: I hate it.  
  
Turel: No need to thank me.  
  
Melchiah: Thank you? It was from all of us!  
  
Kain: I hate you.  
  
Vorador: Oh come on Kain, there's nothing wrong with it.  
  
Kain: It's PINK with yellow spots! I can't wear this!  
  
Turel: Wait, that's not all Kain, Ottmar threw in these as well!  
  
Turel hands him a pair of reindeer antlers.  
  
Turel: You can wear them on your head.  
  
Turel then hands Kain a light-up red nose. Kain throws his tie, antlers and red nose at Turel.  
  
Kain: YOU wear them you stupid shit. Honestly, it's just one disappointment after another.  
  
Turel gets on his hands and knees, close to tears, scrambling desperately trying to pick up the presents.  
  
Turel: I did the best I could.  
  
Melchiah: Will you stop taking all the credit! It was a joint effort!  
  
Turel (sobbing): I couldn't have done any better.  
  
Melchiah: WE! WE!  
  
Kain goes off to sulk while everyone else opens their presents from each other and from Santa. Once they are finished, they hear a noise coming from the roof of the house.  
  
Santa: Ho ho ho, merry Christmas!  
  
A jolly fat man falls down Kain's chimney.  
  
Santa: Ow, that really hurt. I think my ass-bone is broken.  
  
All: SANTA!  
  
Santa: Ho ho ho, did you all like the presents I got for you?  
  
Vorador: No Santa, they were shit. Why the hell did you give me a Sarafan Lord doll?  
  
Santa: Ho ho ho, the doll-maker was making them cheap this year. Anyway, I was on my way back to the north when my sleigh broke down, so, I was wondering, can I join you all?  
  
Vorador: Wait a minute - you're not Santa!  
  
Santa: Yes I am. Ho ho ho!  
  
Vorador: You're Moebius dressed up as Santa!  
  
Moebius: Eep.  
  
Moebius is beaten up then thrown out and the door slammed behind him.  
  
Ariel drifts into the room.  
  
Ariel: Why did Kain not wake me with the rest of you?  
  
Kain strides in.  
  
Kain: Piss off, no-one got you anything anyway. How would you open it? How would you touch it? Why would anyone want to buy you a present even if you weren't a ghost?  
  
Raziel: Actually, I brought Ariel a flower.  
  
Raziel opens up the flower he wrapped for her.  
  
Raziel: But um, it's died. I didn't buy it like that, I swear...  
  
There is a knock on the door and Kain goes to answer it. It's Umah, who ignores Kain and walks on in.  
  
Kain: Who invited Umah?  
  
Rahab: It was me.  
  
Kain: Because I'm going to rip them into pieces for being so stupid as to invite that slut round here.  
  
Rahab: Me-lchiah. It was Melchiah.  
  
Umah: And a Merry Christmas to you too, Kain.  
  
Kain(mocking): And a Merry Christmas to you too, Kain! Piss off Umah.  
  
Umah: I hope you don't mind, I brought my new boyfriend over.  
  
Kain: I mind that YOU'RE here as well as him.  
  
The Sarafan Lord walks in.  
  
Sarafan Lord: Howdy folks! Happy Christmas!  
  
Kain: You slut, Umah! How could you leave me for him!  
  
Kain runs off covering his face. Dumah and Rahab go after him.  
  
Dumah: Are you okay dad?  
  
Kain: I'm fine. It's just... oh, I still love her!  
  
Rahab: It's okay dad...  
  
Kain: We had some great times together!  
  
Dumah: Let it all out.  
  
Kain: We went to a bird sanctuary!  
  
Dumah: What's so great about that?  
  
Kain: IT JUST WAS!  
  
  
  
Throughout Nosgoth, whether for good or bad, everyone was surrounded by people close to them. Except Moebius., who had returned to his time-chamber alone. He had no presents and no food. He pulled a Christmas cracker by himself, read the joke, then put on his party hat, sat on a chair by himself and wept softly.  
  
Moebius: They'll all be here any minute now, saying they were just kidding and they want to spend Christmas with me.  
  
He sat for an hour.  
  
Moebius: Any minute now.  
  
  
  
At Kain's, Christmas dinner was served. Raziel sat looking a bit dejected since he couldn't actually eat anything. He looked round at Ariel and considered devouring her soul. Mmm... she'd be so tasty, he thought. Then he snapped out of it when Rahab shoved a bit of food in Raziel's jaw, only for it to fall and hit the floor.  
  
Kain: I'm not wearing it.  
  
Janos: But you have to, Kain. It's traditional.  
  
Kain sighed and put on his party hat. It was pink with yellow spots.  
  
Zephon: It matches your tie! Go and put that on as well.  
  
Kain: Perhaps I could put you outside the house instead.  
  
Turel: Who remembers the time I saved the world from the giant ants?  
  
Kain: Be quiet Turel. Say, Magnus, do you remember the time you helped me defeat the Hylden?  
  
Magnus: Yes master. It was nothing master.  
  
Turel: Oh shut up Magnus, you are such a bragger. I'm the number two vampire in Nosgoth, not you!  
  
Kain: Everyone, I have an important announcement to make. I am promoting Magnus to my second in command replacing... well, whichever one of my sons was second before. This promotion is effective as of now. So, how does it feel to be the number two vampire in Nosgoth, Magnus my friend.?  
  
Magnus: It is an honour master.  
  
Turel (mocking): It is an honour master, make love to me master, I'm so great just because I can fight a bit master, I'm number two master BATES!  
  
Kain: What did you just say Turel?  
  
Turel: Nothing - that was Magnus! YOU ALL HEARD IT WAS HIM NOT ME!  
  
Vorador: Perhaps you could serve us desert, Kain?  
  
Turel: My mouth was full the whole time so it could not have been me.  
  
Turel bursts into tears.  
  
Turel(whispers): I'll get you Magnus.  
  
Raziel: What is it that you are going to get Magnus, Turel?  
  
Turel(hissing): Be silent you fool.  
  
Kain goes to get a Christmas pudding.  
  
Turel: Er, while we're waiting I just have something that I'd like to show Magnus. If you'd like to come this way Magnus.  
  
Raziel: I'll come too.  
  
Turel: No you won't sit down NOW! I'm still the number three vampire in Nosgoth you know!  
  
Turel takes Magnus away somewhere. Kain comes back with the pudding.  
  
Kain: Here we are.. where is Magnus and... whoever it is that is missing?  
  
  
  
Somewhere nearby...  
  
Turel: ...so you see Magnus, Kain wants you to stick your head down this cannon.  
  
Magnus: I will do whatever Lord Kain wishes!  
  
Magnus sticks his head down the cannon.  
  
  
  
Back at Kain's...  
  
Kain: What was that noise?  
  
Sarafan Lord: Probably nothing.  
  
Kain: Grr, you will be silent in my presence.  
  
Turel arrives back.  
  
Turel: Awful news! Magnus is dead!  
  
Kain: No! What happened?  
  
Turel: W-w-what are you inferring? I have done nothing. There are witnesses who know I WAS NO-WHERE NEAR HIM WHEN HIS HEAD GOT BLOWN OFF!  
  
Dumah: Oh well, let's not let anything ruin today, eh? How about we sing a song to remember him? Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day...  
  
Janos bursts into tears.  
  
Vorador: Dumah, you know not to mention hearts around Janos. It's a very sensitive subject for him.  
  
Kain: Well, in light of Magnus' death I have no choice but to make Raziel my second in command.  
  
Turel: WHAT?  
  
Raziel: I refuse to do it. I hate you and your empire too much.  
  
Turel: Phew.  
  
Kain: Rahab, it'll have to be you then.  
  
Rahab: Whoo-hoo!  
  
Turel: Come outside a minute Rahab, I'd like a word...  
  
  
  
Moebius sits alone, crying, when there is a knock on his time chamber door. The Elder God bursts in wearing a Santa hat on his head and riding a sleigh.  
  
Moebius: Elder God! I knew you'd come, I knew you wouldn't forget about me! Let's party!  
  
Elder God: No, I don't have time for that, the thing is, that's MY chair you're sitting on, and I need it back.  
  
One of the Elder God's tentacles grabs Moebius' chair and Moebius falls as it is yanked out from under him. The Elder God rides away and Moebius lies face down on the floor crying.  
  
  
  
It was Christmas evening now, and even Kain was a bit happier than usual. Magnus had somehow survived the cannon blast and had been re-instated as the number two vampire. Turel was down to fifth and sliding fast. But he vowed to climb back up there. No matter what it took. The group sat round in a circle uncomfortably. Kain had dozed off and was muttering in his sleep.  
  
Kain: I love you Umah... we're going to be together forever...  
  
Umah: My, look at the time, we really should be on our way.  
  
Sarafan Lord: Yes, thanks for having us.  
  
Umah and the Sarafan Lord leave as Kain wakes up.  
  
Vorador: Well Kain, thanks for having us. We'll see you again next year.  
  
Kain winced.  
  
Kain: Oh well, it's a year away, I'm sure that's enough time to come up with a plan to get out of it.  
  
Vorador: There's only one more thing to be said Kain.  
  
Kain: I don't want to.  
  
Vorador: Come on! All together now!  
  
All: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!  
  
Kain: Now all of you get the hell out of my home.  
  
THE END 


End file.
